June 27, 2007
In retrospect, the following letter looks like a lot of whining to me now, but I know more now. There are trials, testing, etc., that God takes us through to learn the lessons in real life, not some story-book life. You can’t learn compassion if you have not lived it! You can’t learn to love unless you love as God, Who is love, gives through you. What hurts more than anything about my life is that I didn’t know this earlier, younger.
I believe the message that I received on 4/6/01 (For Soon) is God’s answer to 'A Whiny Letter.'
A Whiny Letter
4/5/01
Lord Jesus, I could list all the things which have been given up. I could list the offenses against me and the leaving of my oldest daughter. I could list the medical, dental, financial, etc, needs. I could list these things I had grown accustomed to in this world that I now do without. I know that I can take with me none of these things or people, and everything and all creation comes from You, but why must I live what seems to be a restricted life? It seems as if everything is under a restriction of some kind; have I not done what You have asked of me? Have I not given of family, friends, lifestyle, and comfort? Have I been a misled fool? Have I not used wisely what You have given? I know this all sounds very self-centered and I admit it is, but I don’t seem to have joy enough, or vision enough to continue in this way. What have I done or what did I not understand about following You? I see very little effect upon the lives of others and this life in which I now am living seems to be less and less abundant. What is this that You are allowing to happen to me? What must I do or understand about Your kingdom here on earth? Thank You for Your Holy Spirit, but if following the Holy Spirit’s leading is affecting me in this way, how can I be of service (discipling) to You-no power, no change?
Lord Jesus, You are the only one that can change life. If You will not allow the power of change to flow through me, what is it besides me that gets changed? I can disciple all day long and if You do not empower me to change myself, how will or can I be useful to You towards (change) others? I know others may say I don’t have enough faith or love for You, but You are my strength; You are in control of life; nothing changes without Your administration. I don’t have the strength to change myself, much less anyone else. Thank You for the wonderful reflection of You and through Your Word, and that of the Holy Spirit teachings.
You have told me to teach them to listen; how do I do that without Your power? I can pass on nothing You have given to me without Your empowerment. At this moment of my life I have all I can do to hang on to You and what I know from You. It seems like my view is limited and does not carry the intensity of the empowerment of You; why?
You know my thoughts of just packing it in and settle in court my debt and live a simple life somewhere where no-one will bother me and I will not bother anyone else. I know this is not why You came to earth or why You came into me; “why” is my question?
Why change my life so dramatically? Just for me? Thank You! But Your Word says there is more for me to do (make disciples). How can I do this in this restricted state of living? Money, or things, or people, will not change anything; only You and Your empowerment. Everything I read about You, Lord Jesus, says You are, You lived, You live, and You change lives. So why don’t You change lives through me? What is it that makes me not worthy? Sin? Unbelief? What? I do not wish to continue this way any longer; it seems to lead only to me and You in an existence here on earth in need.
I know I have not said my heart right to You in human terms because You do know how much I love You. Am I to believe I don’t love You enough? As You can see, I guess I just don’t get it, or don’t understand in You enough. Help me to be the son You want me to be; otherwise I wander in self. Will You teach me to be in You always? To understand divine wisdom and to truly know the power of Your resurrection, and have the ability to abide in You for my sake and that of those You may want to lead me to? I am tired of restriction, offense and others lording it over me. When will You use me? When will others truly see You through me? Please teach me now.
“I have heard you, My son. This that you ask is no more to others as it is to you. Measure My steps and see how far you must come.”
Lord Jesus, how can I measure the steps of God?
“My life consisted of nothing more than to do My Fathers will. Who do you live for?”
Lord Jesus, I did not come from heaven the same as You. I had no former knowledge of the Father and that of heaven. People were healed and empowered by You. The enemy flees at Your name. The dead were raised to life. I have nothing to compare with Your steps. I try to live for You, but it seems my steps are measured different than Yours. Please explain? Am I doing Your will?
“You are learning to obey.”
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